People · Proving to Scaling
The difficult conversation
You name behaviour that doesn't fit, once and clearly, without tearing anyone down.
Worth reading first: Digging deeper
Does this sound familiar?
- You've known for months that you need to say something, and it never quite happens.
- You mention it in passing, and nothing changes.
- It annoys you, and one day it all comes out at once, harder than you meant.
- You finally say it, they say 'what about you?', and before you know it the conversation is about you.
- Your team has known what's going on for ages, and is waiting for you to do something.
Who it's for, and when
For founders and managers who've been putting a conversation off for weeks: about someone who doesn't do what they agreed, runs colleagues down or keeps clients waiting. It starts as soon as you hire your first people, and it gets harder when the people involved manage others themselves.
The model
A difficult conversation is one where you have to say something the other person doesn't want to hear. It's about behaviour, not about who someone is. Most founders put it off, and then it gets bigger: the team sees what you let slide, and the other person thinks it's fine.
You say it in three parts. The situation: when and where. The behaviour: what you saw or heard, so concrete that a camera could have recorded it. The impact: what it did to the team, the client or you. No judgement ('you're unreliable') and no motive ('you do it on purpose'). Then you stop talking and dig deeper (the lesson Digging deeper): what are they hearing, what's going on? Only once you understand that do you say what you want to see.
The hardest part comes after your first few sentences: the reaction. They deny it, get angry, cry or turn it back on you. You don't have to win the conversation. You acknowledge how they feel, and calmly come back to what you saw and what you want to see. Under Apply it below there's a sentence you can use for each reaction.
Kim Scott looks at it along two lines: do you care about the person, and do you tell them straight? Do both and it helps. Do only the second and it's harsh. Do only the first and it's vague, and that's the mistake founders make most often: they spare the other person and keep the problem.
If nothing changes after a clear conversation, the next step is an improvement plan rather than a second conversation. What that involves, and how it works under Dutch employment law, is in the lesson The A-player matrix.
The situation, behaviour, impact structure (SBI) comes from the CCL, a leadership institute in the US. Kim Scott described the attitude in Radical Candor (2017): show that you care about someone, and tell them straight what you see.
1. Say what it's about
In your first sentence. 'I'd like to talk to you about Tuesday's meeting.' No long run-up, and no compliment first.
2. Situation, behaviour, impact
'In Tuesday's meeting you interrupted Lisa three times and said her proposal was nonsense. She didn't say another word for the rest of the meeting, and her proposal was good.'
3. Silence, then dig deeper
Let it land. Then ask: 'How do you see it?' Listen, summarise and ask further. There may be something going on you didn't know about.
Digging deeper4. What you want to see
Concrete and forward-looking: 'I want you to let people finish, even when you disagree.' Agree when you'll check how it's going.
5. Put it in writing
A short email the same day: what you saw, what they said, what you agreed and when you'll check in. Ask if it's right. That way you both know where you stand.
Pitfalls
The feedback sandwich
Wrapping criticism between two compliments. The other person remembers the bread, and learns that a compliment from you is a warning.
Saving up examples without saying anything
If you collect for months, you turn up with ten examples at once, and that feels like an ambush. It doesn't help you later either: a Dutch court looks at what you said and put in writing, not at what you kept track of. Say it within a week, at the first or second example, and write up every conversation.
Sending it through someone else
Telling the team leader or HR and hoping it reaches them. If it's your employee, it's your conversation.
Watch and read
Kim Scott herself on the two lines: caring about someone and still telling them straight, and what happens when you drop one of them.
Watch on YouTubeA clear explanation of situation, behaviour and impact, with examples.
Watch on YouTubeIn Dutch, in a minute and a half: how to address someone's behaviour with them, step by step.
Watch on YouTubeRead
Radical Candor
Kim Scott · 2017 · ISBN 9781250103505
How to tell someone straight without becoming harsh, from someone who learnt it at Google and Apple. Also published in Dutch as Radicaal openhartig (ISBN 9789400508774).
View the bookApply it
- 1
Write it down
Situation, behaviour, impact, and what you want to see. Four sentences. If there's a judgement in there, rewrite it until a camera could have recorded it.
- 2
Pick the moment
Within a week, in private, and not where others can overhear. Not when you've just got angry, and not at five o'clock on a Friday.
- 3
Think of the reaction you dread most
Denial, anger, tears or 'what about you?'. Pick the sentence below that you'll say then, and say it out loud once.
- 4
Write it up the same day
A short email with what you discussed and agreed, and the date you'll check in. Ask if it's right. There's an example below.
- 5
If it doesn't change
By the date you agreed, the behaviour is still the same. Then comes an improvement plan with written agreements, rather than a third conversation that says the same thing.
The A-player matrix
Examples
If they deny it: 'That's not true'
Don't argue about who's right. Say: 'This is how I saw it: you interrupted Lisa three times. How did you see it?' If their side holds up, take it on board. If it doesn't, what you saw still stands, and you move on to what you want to see.
If they get angry
Don't raise your voice and don't defend yourself. Say: 'I can see this hits a nerve. I'd still like to talk it through with you. Do you need a moment, or shall we carry on?' If it's too heated, agree a time, the same day or the next.
If they cry
Don't take it back and don't play it down. Say: 'Take your time, I'll wait. It's still important that we talk about this.' If they want to stop, you finish it later that day or the next morning, not in a month.
If they hit back: 'What about you?'
They may have a point. Take it seriously, and keep it separate. Say: 'You may well be right, and I want to hear it. Let's talk about that on Thursday. Right now this is about Tuesday's meeting.' And on Thursday, really come back to it.
The conversation, from start to finish
You: I'd like to talk to you about the quote for Bakker. You promised him a quote by Friday, and it went out on Tuesday. On Monday Bakker rang me to ask if we still wanted the job. (You pause.) You: How do you see it? Them: I had three quotes on at once, and you gave me Jansen on top of that. Nobody helps me. You: You had too much on at once, and then Jansen came along too. Them: Yes. You: I want to know that, and we'll look at it. What matters to me now is Bakker: he heard nothing until he rang himself. Them: I get that. You: I want you to let the client know when a date isn't going to work, before it passes. Can you do that? Them: Yes. And I want to talk about my workload. You: Good, let's do that on Thursday in our one-to-one. In four weeks we'll look together at how the dates are going.
The write-up, the same afternoon
Subject: our conversation about the quote for Bakker Discussed: the quote, promised for Friday, sent on Tuesday; Bakker rang me on Monday. Your side: you had too many quotes on at once. We'll discuss that on Thursday. Agreed: you let a client know when a date isn't going to work, before it passes. We'll check in: in four weeks, in our one-to-one. Is this right?
A business partner who decides without consulting you
The same conversation, between equals. Situation, behaviour, impact, and then mostly listening. They may not know what you'd agreed, because it was never written down. In that case, write it down now.
Do this in your own business
Everything up to here is free. What you fill in for your own business, you keep in Boldcaster.
- You look back on a situation from your own work. Only you can read what you write.
- You set a date with yourself, and on that day the app asks how it went.
- You assign the lesson to your team and see who has done it.
- The quiz counts towards your progress, and you see which lesson comes next.
Four weeks free. You'll land straight in this lesson.
Quiz
6 situations. You need 5 of 6 right. You can try again at any time.
1.You're preparing a conversation with someone who keeps turning up late to the daily start. Which sentence do you open the behaviour part with?
2.You've named the behaviour. They say: 'That's simply not true.' You saw it yourself. What do you do?
3.Halfway through the conversation your employee starts to cry. What do you do?
4.You raise someone's habit of interrupting colleagues. They say: 'You interrupt everyone in the leadership team too.' What do you do?
5.For the second time in two weeks, an employee tells a client that 'we're just slow'. When do you raise it?
6.The conversation went well and you made an agreement. What do you do next?
Nothing is saved here. In the app, the quiz counts towards your progress.
Read next
- The performance review · You hold a conversation about someone's work where nothing comes as a surprise and everything ends up on paper.
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